50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever

My Job Is To…
1.Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
2.Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
3.Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
4.Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
5.Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
6.Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
7.Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
8.Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
9.Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
10.Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
11.Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
12.Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
13.Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
14.Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
15.Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
16.Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
17.Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
18.Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
19.Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
20.Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
21.Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
22.Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
23.Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
24.Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
25.Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
26.Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
27.Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
28.Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
29.Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
30.Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
31.Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
32.Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
33.Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
34.Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
35.Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
36.Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
37.Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
38.Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
39.Run away and call the police: Security Guard
40.Copy and paste the Internet: Student

The Top 10
1.Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams’ favorite)
2.Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
3.Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
4.Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager
5.Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
6.Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
7.Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director
8.Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
9.Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
10.Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee

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