Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”. To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!” They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”
A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk – can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says: “Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!” “No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve had too much already.” The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar. “Tell you what,” he says. “If I can throw three bull’s eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?” “Sure,” says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. “Look out, everybody!” Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull’s eyes. Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it. “What’s this,” says the drunk. “That’s a prize for such fine dart throwing,” says the bartender. The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves. Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced. “Bartender,” he says. “Gimme a martini!” “No, no,” says the bartender. “You’re too drunk already. Go home.” Again the drunk notices the darts. “If I can throw three bull’s eyes would you gimme the martini?” he asks. The bartender thinks, “This guy can’t be that lucky again. I’ll get rid of him.” “Sure, sure,” he says, handing the darts over. Bip, bip, bip. Three bull’s eyes. “Holy cow,” says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it. “What’s this?” asks the drunk. “That’s a prize for being such a good shot.” “Oh,” says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves. Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar. “Gimme a martini!” he demands. “No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve been overserved already. Get on home.” Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:”Would tossing three bull’s eyes prove that I’m not overserved?” The bartender can’t believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull’s eyes. “OK,” he says, forking over the three darts. The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously. Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull’s eye! “Unbelievable!” says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail. “What’s this?” asks the drunk. “That’s a special prize for being so good at darts,” says the bartender. “Oh,” says the drunk. “All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?”
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass. 3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.