One evening, there was a knock on the O’Flannagans’ door.

“Hello Mary,” said Sean. “I’ve got some bad news for you.

There’s been a terrible accident down at the brewery and Pat

is dead.”

“Oh no, my poor husband!” sobbed Mary as she collapsed

on the ground. “What happened?”

“It wasn’t a pretty sight,” sighed Sean. “Pat fell into a huge

vat of Guinness and I’m afraid he drowned.”

“Aaagh!” wept Mary and for some minutes nothing more was

said. Eventually, Mary roused herself and said to Sean. “I

hope it was all over quickly?”

“I’m afraid not. He came out four times to take a pee.”

Two Scotsmen are talking in the pub and one turns to the

other, saying, “Now, Mick, if I should die first, will you pour

a bottle of the finest malt whisky over my grave?”

“That I will,” says Jock, “but do you mind if it goes through

my kidneys first?”

Asked to identify her missing husband, Beryl went along to

the morgue but on pulling back the sheet she shook her

head sadly. “No, that’s not him,” she said, looking at the

man’s sizeable parts, “but some poor woman’s lost a good

friend.”

It was the funeral of Big John Nowall, the most arrogant man

in the district. As his coffin passed into the church, one of

the spectators turned to the other and said, “I can’t believe

Big John’s in there, the coffin looks so small.”

“Oh that’s easy to explain,” came the reply, “once they let all

the bullshit out of him, he fitted perfectly.”

An old woman had been going to the same doctor for over

50 years and during that time had made his life a living hell

by constantly complaining about one thing after another.

Eventually, however, she died and was buried in the local

churchyard, but it was less than a month later that the doctor

also died and was buried in the next plot to her. For a few

minutes after the mourners had gone all was quiet and then

the doctor heard tapping on the side of his coffin.

“What is it now, Mrs Mowner?” he signed.

“Can you give me something for worms, doctor?”

A very successful businessman was lying on his death bed.

Just before the end he whispered, “Cheryl, are you there?”

“Yes, Jack, I’m here.”

“Tom, are you there?”

“Yes, dad, I’m here.”

“Richard, are you there?”

“Yes, dad,” he sobbed. “I’m here.”

Suddenly Jack jerked himself up and shouted angrily, “So

who’s minding the fu*king business then?”

Flo is devastated when her husband dies so her friends

eventually persuade her to see a spiritualist so that she can

get in touch with him again. All goes according to plan and

her late husband is contacted.

“Are you alright, Martin? What do you get up to all day?”

“Hello, Flo. Yes, I’m okay. Well I wake up in the morning, go

for a swim, have something to eat, make love to some of the

girls, have another swim, eat more food and then have a

snooze.”

“My goodness,” says Flo, “you’ve changed a bit, you never did

those sort of things down here.”

“No, but I wasn’t a duck then.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to bid farewell to

our departed neighbour, old Bob Flowers. Is there anyone in

the congregation who would like to say a few nice words

about him?” asked the vicar.

But there was silence.

“Come on now, don’t be shy, someone must remember

something good about him.”

Still no response.

“Please, someone say something,” pleaded the harassed

vicar. All of a sudden, a voice was heard at the back of the

church.

“His brother was worse.”

The undertakers were having a very difficult time. They

couldn’t get the coffin lid down on old Arthur because he’d

died with a full erection. Eventually, they had to ring his wife

and on hearing the problem, she told them to cut it off and

stick it up his backside.

On the day of the funeral, Arthur’s wife took one more look

at her dead husband before he was taken away and she

noticed a pained expression on his face. She whispered,

“That’ll teach you, you old sod, you should have believed me

when I said it hurt.”

Two men lived next door to each other for over 20 years but

they couldn’t have been more different. Sam was a model

citizen, church every Sunday, a parish counsellor and a

charity worker. Geoff was a drinker, gambler and a man for

the ladies. Eventually Geoff died, he was quite young but

the riotous life did him no favours. Then 15 years later, Sam

passed away and arrived in heaven where he was astonished

to see his ex-next-door neighbour lounging on a cloud, a

huge barrel of beer next to him and a naked lady sitting on

his lap.

“Why, that’s outrageous!” exclaimed Sam. ‘I strive to be a

good citizen on earth so that I might enjoy the fruits of

heaven and when I get here I see Geoff. He should have

been in hell.”

“Oh he’s in hell alright,” said the angel, “That beer barrel’s

got a hole in it…and the woman hasn’t.”