Category Archives: Adult Jokes

Dawn’s husband had just been cremated…

Dawn’s husband had just been cremated, the mourners had

gone home and she was left holding his ashes. She said to

the ashes, “Well, Dave, I’ve got a few things to say to you.

See this fancy ring on my finger, the one I always wanted

and the one you would never buy me? Well, I’ve bought it.

And you see this flashy leather handbag with matching

shoes? You always promised, but never got round to it. Well,

I’ve bought them too. She then tipped his ashes onto the

ground and blew on them, saying scornfully, “So there you

are, Dave, that’s the blow job you always wanted and never

got.”

On the day of Jack’s funeral…

On the day of Jack’s funeral, the undertakers took his coffin

up to the church in a coach and four black horses. Now the

church was at the top of a steep hill and suddenly, without

warning, the doors of the coach flew open and the coffin

careered back down the hill. By the time it reached the

bottom, it was going a fair pace and smashed through the

doors of the chemist shop, hitting the counter and bursting

open.

“Aaargh,” screamed the assistant as Jack sat up and said,

“Can you give me something to stop me coughing?”

An old couple, married for over 50 years…

An old couple, married for over 50 years, die within a week

of each other and arrive in heaven at the same time.

Once the paperwork has been seen to, an angel escorts them

to their new accommodation. After living in a small terraced

cottage all their lives, the new house is like a palace. Set in

two acres of land, it has its own swimming pool and a double

garage with “his” and “hers” cars. The old man turns to his

wife in astonishment and says, “Well, bugger me, Pam, if you

hadn’t stopped us drinking and smoking, we’d have been

enjoying all this years ago.”

One of Ireland’s greatest footballers died…

One of Ireland’s greatest footballers died and went to

heaven where he was met by an angel at the Pearly Gates.

“Is there any reason why you think you should not be

allowed in?” asked the angel.

The footballer thought for a moment and then replied,

“Actually there was an international match that I played in,

Ireland against England, and I purposefully fell over in the

box so that we were awarded a penalty. It helped us to beat

England 2–1.”

“Well, it’s not the most serious mistake I’ve ever heard so you

may come in.”

“Oh that’s wonderful, I’ve always regretted that moment…

thank you so much, St Peter.”

“Think nothing of it,” said the angel.

“Oh, by the way, I’m not St Peter, it’s his day off, I’m St

Patrick.”

Three nuns arrived at the Pearly Gates and each was asked a question before they were allowed to enter…

Three nuns arrived at the Pearly Gates and each was asked a

question before they were allowed to enter. The first nun was

asked to name the first man.

“Adam,” she replied, and the gates opened for her.

The second nun was asked to name the first woman.

“Eve,” she replied, and again the gates opened.

Then a question was put to the third nun.

“What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?”

“Gosh! That is a hard one,” she replied, and once more the

gates opened for her to go inside.

It was the funeral of John’s wife…

It was the funeral of John’s wife and he sat crying his eyes

out in the front pew. He seemed inconsolable, so the Vicar

decided to go over and have a word.

“I’m so sorry, John, I know this is a difficult time for you but

the pain will eventually lessen. You’re still quite a young man

and maybe you’ll meet someone else one day.”

John stopped sobbing and looked up at the Vicar.

“It’s alright for you to say that, Vicar,” he complained, “but

where am I going to get a fu*k tonight?”

On the death of her husband, Eva placed a notice in the local newspaper…

On the death of her husband, Eva placed a notice in the local

newspaper.

“Robert Percy, aged 62, died of VD on June 7, at 3pm.”

The next day, she met her friend in the street and her friend

asked her, somewhat puzzled, “But Eva, I thought you told

me he died of a bowel complaint?”

“He did,” she replied, “but I’d prefer people to remember

him as a great lover rather than the little shit he really was.”