Category Archives: Baby Jokes

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Things Not To Say During Childbirth….

— Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. — Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? — I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes. — If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball. — That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner? — When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar. — You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment. — This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy. — Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut? — Stop your swearing and just breathe. — Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words. — Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.