Category Archives: Bar Jokes

I’ll bet you $10 hell jump…

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 hell jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he wont,” said the second guy.Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.”I cant take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five oclock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five oclock news too. I just didnt think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other…

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot. When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place. When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other. On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home. This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise th at he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other. One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said “I am awfully sorry about your brother.” The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said “What happened to him?” The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened. The brother then said “No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.”

Come on man, I was just joking..

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didnt move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying.” “No, its not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. “When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. “I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison …”

Who ever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me…

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Who ever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.” So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “Thats not good enough.” The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “Thats not creative enough.” Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do. Why?” The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.” Tonto said, “Sure Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lon e Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?” The cowboy says to him, “Nothing much, I just wanted you to know………… you left your Injun running!!!”

Now dont let me ever see your face again…

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. “Now dont let me ever see your face again,” said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. “Im afraid I cant promise that, sir,” said the released man. “And why not?” “Because Im the barman at your regular pub!”

The local bar was so sure that…

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” Id like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartend er paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”

The husband was not home at his usual hour…

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. “Do you realize what time it is?” she asked. He answered, “Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house.” Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, “What did you buy for the house, dear?” His answer was, “A round of drinks!”