Category Archives: Biologist Jokes

Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years…

Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds and to translate them into English. His latest research had proved that they can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked what could they possibly have to say at such distances he replied, As best as we can figure, it is something like – Hey, can you hear me now?

A new wildlife technician was driving him crazy…

Ben was assigned a new wildlife technician and she was driving him crazy. She was blonde and pretty and insisted on carrying beauty products in a little field bag – nail polish, hair care products, gels, creams and so on. One day they were driving the rugged four-wheel drive down a dirt road when a big rabbit ran in front of them and was hit by the truck. Ben pulls over and walks back to the dead rabbit. He felt terrible, but there was clearly nothing he could do for the dead creature. His blonde partner pipes in and yells, Waite, I have just the thing!She races back to the truck and begins to rifle through her beauty products. Ben watches as brushes and combs fly from the bag. Finally she races back with an aerosol can and sprays the dead rabbit with its contents. Immediately the rabbit springs to its feet, waves goodbye, hops a few feet, pauses and waves again. The rabbit repe ats this strange behavior…wave-hop-wave-hop, until it disappears over the hill.Ben is amazed and asks, What in the world is in that can?The blonde biologists says, Duh…look at the labelYou guessed it…. Hair Spray …. Immediately revives dead hair and creates a permanent wave

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden…

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to tan the squirrels pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animals brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrels head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pas admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains. r His sick Pa was upset, I cant tan that skin without no brains! he said, Now what am I a gonna do? Thinking quickly, he remembered that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some field work.Well, were only tanning one squirrel skin, walk up the river and shoot one of them dang fish biologists and Ill use his brains to tan the skin, he told the son. The son did as he was told and soon returned with the prize. As it turned out, the brain wasnt large enough and the boy was upset as he would have to make another trip to harvest the other two biologists brains.Look on the bright side, boy, the old man told him, Two more ought to be just enough. Wed have been in real trouble if they was BOTANISTS!

A young wildlife biologist got fired…

A young wildlife biologist got fired from his first real wildlife job. Upon his return home, his parents asked him what happened.You know what a crew boss is? he asked. The one who stands around and watches everyone else work. Whats that got to do with it? they asked. Well, he just got jealous of me, the young biologist explained. Everyone thought I was the crew boss.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying…

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professors desk and said, What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs? With that the student threw his test on the professors desk an d walked out the door.The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didnt know every students name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, Mister, whats your name?The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, You guess, buddy! You guess!

Whats the matter?

A young biologist was sitting on a stump at the edge of their camp. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. One of the other biologists saw his sad looks and asked, Whats the matter?The young biologist said, They put me in the same tent with old Doctor Perkins. He snores all night, takes a bath once a month, and talks non-stop about back when he studied passenger pigeons. Hes so damn old, I think he was a lackey for Charles Darwin. He generally just makes my life Hell. We had a big fight about it and they split us up for a monthThe older biologist said, That should make you happy. The young biologist sadly shook his head and said, Not when the month is up today!

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. Hes camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp. Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and weve seen you camped here. We didnt know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him? Sir, Im not a vet, Im a wildlife biologist, the young biologist told the worried man.Can you please just have a look at him, Ill pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If hes still alive, maybe I can rush him into town.Ok, put him here on the table. The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing.Im sorry sir, but Im afraid poor Willie is dead. No, I cant believe that….. It cant be true…are you sure?Yes, Im quite sure.I just cant believe that….With all this equipment, isnt there something you can do? I must be absolutely sure.The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.Well, the cat say hes dead. Does that assure you?No, I need more than that…Do you have anything else?The biologist calls over his big black dog. The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then. After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist.Well, now the dog says hes dead. Thats all I can do for you sir.OK, well I guess its true. Ill take him back and bury him…How much do I owe you?Itll be $650 bucks. The biologist tells the old man.What??, replied the old man, How can you charge that much??!!Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but youre the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!

Is anything funny going on here?

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a visit.Is anything funny going on here? he asked.What do you mean by that? the pair asked back.I mean, you’re not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe doing something you’re not supposed to do?Absolutely not! the Jim replied. We are strictly co-workersOh yes, the Sarah replied, We hike all day, record our data, return back, and fall asleep exhausted.Thats right! Jim replied, and me in my tent, and she in hers!The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in th e field with the pair. He left the field early, returned to camp, retrieved his Jeep and left the area.The following day, the biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit. They searched high and low, but could not find it. It had simply disappeared from their camp. After a few frantic days, they suspected that the crew leader had taken it. It was the only plausible explanation. That evening, they called him on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather he may have inadvertently taken the unit.As a matter of fact, I did take it the day I came up to see if you two were sleeping together. After realizing I had accidentally taken it with me from the field, I placed it in Sarah’s sleeping bag where she would be sure to find it!

A University had advertised for two biologists to help…

A University had advertised for two biologists to help in their mammalogy department, specifically with a group of captive grizzly bears. They had only two applicants – a beautiful young women biologist and an older male biologist.The mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can handle working with such fierce creatures so he decided to test their skills with the bears. The two hopefuls followed him out to the bear pen. He first asked the young women to show him what she could do. She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the largest bear walked up and nuzzled her bare legs. The astonished mammalogist then said to the old man, Can you do that? Youre darn right I can, said the old man, just get that bear out of there first !