Category Archives: Biologist Jokes

A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island…

A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate.On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:Pot Farm Burns – No Tern Left Unstoned.

A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists…

A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree. Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough. While trying, he falls to the ground. They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls. The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree. The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy. He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree. OK guys, the tree is 14 6. He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two botanists are stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other ,How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width.

A group of goose biologists were meeting…

A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the V formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the V is always longer than the other side. This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens.To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says in typical consultant fashion, I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal CAD department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing tip vortices. Then, after several years of study, our in-house publications department could produce a nice thick report full of charts and graphs.The Senior Research Biologist, a professor at the local university, cleared his throat and responded, No, no!, Thats not it at all. We only need $150,000. We can train a group of domesticated geese to fly in formations of equal length and then compare their relative fitness to wild geese. We can then publish the results in the Journal of Wildlife Management. About then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins walking for the door. Where are you going? the group asks. Im leaving he replies, Ive heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to find out that the reason one side of the V is longer is simply because there are more damn geese on that side!

How was I born?

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, How was I born?Well honey… said the slightly prudish mother, the stork brought you to us.Oh, said the boy, and how did you and daddy get born?Oh, the stork brought us too.Well how were grandpa and grandma born? the boy persisted.Well darling, the stork brought them too! said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.

Jump, frog, jump!

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, Jump, frog, jump!.The frog jumped across the room.The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, Frog with four legs jumped eight feet.Then he cut the frogs front legs off. Again he ordered, Jump, frog, jump!The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, Frog with two legs jumped three feet.Next, the biologist cut off the frogs back legs. Once more, he shouted, Jump, frog, jump!The frog just lay there.Jump, frog, jump! the biologist repeated.Nothing.The biologist noted in his journal, Frog with no legs – lost its hearing.

A biologist had been working on a remote research project…

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologists wife, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks. Dont discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise…….well… Hell probably dieOn the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say? she replied. Honey…..he says youre probably going to die.

A biologist from the North Pole

A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said, I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question–how do you catch the polar bears in the first place? I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?Oh no! the experienced biologist replied, we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole. Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole !!!