A bloke was feeling unwell, so he went to the doctor. Doctor did some blood tests etc. When the bloke returned for the results, doctor said “I’m sorry, but it’s not good news. You have a very aggressive terminal illness.” Bloke goes quiet for a minute, then asks “How long have I got Doc?” Doc looks up and says “Are you still here?”
Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked: “If you had been in President Clinton’s place, would you have resigned?”
Armey responded: “If I were in the President’s place, I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, “How do I reload this damn thing?”
Funny how a number of Irish people stopped being religious because of the clerical sex abuse scandals. Nobody gave up on medicine because of the tainted blood scandals.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. “Whatll be, boys?”
The first vampire says “Blood. Give me blood.”
The second vampire says “I too wish for blood!”
The third vampire says “Give me plasma.”
The Bartender smiles and says “Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light.”
A man walks into a bar with a dead rabbit. The people in the bar say “how did you get that?” Then the man says “me follow tracks me find rabbit. Then another man comes in with a dead deer and the people say “how did you get that?” He says me follow tracks me find deer. Then another man comes in and there is blood all over him and the people say “what happened?” and the man says “me follow trcks me get hit by train”
Three Texas cowboys went to a steakhouse to eat. Each was trying to impress the others.
The first man ordered his steak “rare — red rare.”
The second said, “Just pass mine through the flames and singe it a little. I want to see blood dripping out of it.”
Not to be outdone, the third man said, “Aw, just turn the bull loose and I’ll tear off a hunk as he goes by.”
What is rhubarb? Celery with high blood pressure.
When a doctor remarked on a new patients extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, high blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family.
Your mothers side or your fathers? the doctor asked. Neither, the patient replied. Its from my wifes family. Oh, come now, said the doctor How could your wifes family give you high blood pressure? He sighed. You oughta meetem sometime, Doc!
The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?
Doctor: Yes, that is true.
P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?
D: Yes, that is also true.
P: So, in average, I live normally.
What does a vampire with a weight problem drink?