A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said,
“That’s my little red sports car,” said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said,
“That’s my little red sports car garage,” said the little girl.
A few seconds later the little girl said,
“How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?”
“Sure,” said the little boy.
The little boy’s mother was down stairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs.
Once she got there she saw blood all over the bathtub.
“What happened?!” she said.
“Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage…but it didn’t fit….so I cut the back wheels off…..”
There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, ‘’I heard on TV that wine is good for the health.’’ The other one said, ‘’Well, let’s go to Italy, the Italians drink wine.
So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by. They vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge. A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge. Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing. The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge singing, ‘’Drained wops keep falling on my head.’’
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” God said.
Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”
Then, God came to Eve to pass on some news too. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” God said.
Eve looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Adam. The other organ I have for you is called a vagina. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Adam will be very happy that you now have this organ to give him children.”
Eve, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God looked upon Eve and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time. While you’re bleeding through one of them every 28 days, the other will remain useless.”
In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an asshole.
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, Bring me my red shirt!
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?
The Captain replied, If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid. All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man’s man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, Get me my brown pants.
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
Have you ever paid for sex? the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, Oh yes, he sighed, Every time.
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
I’ll have a glass of blood, said one.
I’ll have a glass of plasma, said the other.
Okay, replied the bartender, That’ll be one blood and one blood lite.
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: What are you doing here today?
Woman: Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.
Man: Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.