Bob had a lot of work ahead of him so decided to hire a part time helper. ” Your first job will be to sweep up the sawdust.” he said handing him a broom. ” Look I’m practically a university graduate,” the young man protested. ” No problem, I’ll show you how,” Bob replied.
Mike’s shop was on fire, he was on the phone to the fire department. ” What is your address sir,” the fireman inquired. ” I can’t remember,” Mike screamed. ” Calm down man, if we don’t have your address how will we get there,” the fireman asked. ” Use your big red truck with the siren! ” Mike retorted.
A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave. “Just give me a chance,” the little guy pleaded. ” Okay,” the manager replied, ” Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there,” Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, ” Trees cut, do I get the job?” ” I don’t beleive it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it, where did you learn to use an axe like that ?” the manager inquired. ” Sahara Forest,” the little guy replied. ” Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert,” the manager corrected him. ” Sure that’s what they call it now.”
A city couple purchased a cottage in a rural area, the husband was doing some repairs and sent his wife to the lumber yard to buy some nails. She decided that she would try to act like the local residents so as not to draw attention to herself, so just casually browsed while the clerk waited on another customer. ” I’ll take that big bastard,” he said. The clerk smiled and handed him a file, ” Is there anything else besides this bastard you need? ” ” No that is all.” the customer replied. When the customer leaves she walks up to the counter and points to the 2″ nails, ” Give me two pounds of those sons a bitches.”
Fred was getting along in age and decided to go to the doctor for a check up. Due to years of using power tools in his shop he was deaf as a door nail so he had his wife accompany him. ” I will need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample for some tests,” the doctor informed him. ” What’s he saying ?” he asked his wife. ” Says he wants your underwear for some tests,”
Three guys on a coffee break are bragging about their abilities. ” I’m the best at finishing and the foreman knows it so he treats me really good,” the first guy states. ” I understand plans better than anyone else, that’s got me in real tight.” says the second guy. ” Well guys I’ve got you both beat, I’m the foreman’s sex advisor.” the third man gloates. ” Say what ? ” they both mutter. ” And what’s more he assures me of it daily because every time I suggest something to him he tells me that when he wants my f@#king advice he will ask for it.”
Paddy got a job at an apartment complex, after three days the superintendent called him into his office. ” How could you even apply for this job? ” he said, ” You have bungled every repair that I’ve asked you to do.” ” Well your sign said Handyman Wanted, I’m handy, I live around the corner.”
A new helper is on the job for two hours when he is sent to the diner for coffee. ” Will this hold six cups? ” he asks the waitress holding up a large thermos jug. ” No problem,” she replies. ” Good , give me two black, one with cream and three with cream and sugar.”
A local construction company needed to hire another worker, two applicants had written an aptitude test and the foreman was informing the second person that the first person would be hired. ” There was ten questions, we both answered nine right, how come he got the job? ” the applicant asked. ” Well.” the foreman replied, ” You both missed number five, but he answered, I don’t Know, you answered, Neither do I.”
Three guys are eating lunch on a beam on the tenth floor of a construction site, ” I’m so sick of ham sandwiches,” says the plumber, If I get them one more day I swear I’ll jump to my death.” ” I feel the same way about this tuna,” the electrician says. ” Ditto for lettuce and tomato,” says the carpenter. Next day when they open their lunches sure enough, they have the same sandwiches again, so over the edge they go. At the funeral the plumber’s wife says, ” If I had only known he hated ham sandwiches.” The electrician’s wife says, ” Oh, if I had only known he hated tuna.” The carpenter’s wife says, ” I don’t understand it, he made his own lunches.”