Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer. ” Don’t make these like they used to,” he tells the salesman, ” I’ve had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice.”
A guy is working on a steep roof and starts to slide down out of control. ” Help me God,” he cries A large nail catches on his overalls and stops his decent. ” Never mind God, a nails got me,” he sighs with relief.
Pat sends Mike to the lumberyard , “Need twenty 4 X 2’s,” he says to the yardman. ” Guess you mean 2 X 4’s,” he grins, ” How long do you want them?” ” Dunno for sure, but it will be a while, he’s building a garage.”
A duck waddles into a grocery store and asks, ” Got any duck food?” ” Don’t carry any,” replies the clerk. Next day the duck waddles in again and asks, ” Got any duck food?” ” I told you yesterday, we don’t carry it.” the clerk says. Duck waddles on the third day and asks, ” Got any duck food?” ” Look I told you we don’t carry it, and if you come in again I’m going to nail your web feet to the floor!” the clerk shouts. Fourth day the duck waddles in, ” Got any nails ?” ” No we don’t have any nails,” the clerk answers, ” We are a grocery store.” ” Good, got any duck food?”
A scrawny little carpenter is sitting at the bar having a beer, a big burly goof walks in and WHACK, smacks the little carpenter on the ear knocking him off his stool. “That was a karate chop from Korea,” the big goof laughs as he sits down and orders a beer. No sooner had the little carpenter settled himself back on the stool, when the big goof stands up and WHACK, smacks him on the other ear knocking him off the stool again. “That was a judo chop from Japan,” he laughs going back to his beer. The little guy gets up, dusts himself off and leaves the bar. He returns a couple minutes later, walks up behind the big goof, WHACK, knocks him out cold. “When he comes to tell him that was a wrecking-bar from Sears,” he grins to the bartender as he leaves.
One night a wife saw her husband standing over the baby’s crib. She stood watching him silently, he looked down with mixed emotions, disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism. She slipped her arm around him, “Penny for your thoughts?” she whispered. “It’s amazing, how can they make a crib like that for $49.99?”
Bill and Joe were in the hot sun siding a house. “How come Tom gets to work on the other side in the shade?” Joe mused. “Don’t know,” Bill replied, “Go ask him.” Joe goes to the other side and confronts Tom, “How come you get to work in the shade.” “Smarts,” Tom replies. “What’s smarts?” Joe asks. “Ill show you,” Tom answers putting his hand on the wall, “Hit it” he smiles. Joe takes a swing , Tom pulls his hand away and Joe smacks the wall. “Why did he say he was working in the shade?” Bill asks when Joe returned. “Smarts,” Joe replies, “Ill show you, hit my hand with that 2X4,” he says, putting it in front of his face.
McTight ran an efficient shop, everybody had to pull their own weight or they were out the door. It particularly galled him when he spotted a young man goofing off outside the foreman’s office. He was sitting on a stack of lumber trimming his fingernails, when he finished that he idily traced designs in the sawdust on the floor with his foot. After several minutes of this McTight could stand no more. He stepped out in front of the young man and demanded, “How much do you make?” “Three hundred dollars a week sir,” the lad replied. McTight took out his wallet and counted out some cash, ” Here is two weeks pay, get out of here and don’t come back.” No sooner had the surprised young man left the shop when the foreman returned. “Had a little problem to straighten out with the thickness sander,” he remarked, ” What happened to the kid from the deli, I told him to wait here for our lunch order.”
Old Jake had cut firewood by hand with a swede saw for a living going on 50 years, he averaged about four cords a day. His son was home from college and watching him work remarked, “You could probably cut 10 times as much if you bought yourself a chainsaw.” “Not interested in those new fangled things,” Jake responded. His son returned to college and Jake began to think that maybe the young guy was right, his old body seemed to ache more and more at the end of the day, He went into town and bought a brand new top of the line chainsaw. The first couple days were not very productive, he only cut one cord each day, by the third day he had cut 3 cords but was dead tired. ” This is not working, ” he thought to himself, ” My son said I should be able to cut 10 cords a day, I’m taking this stupid thing back.” The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to the sales clerk about his lack of production. ” Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad, lets start it up,” the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting cord. ” What the hell is that noise?” Jake hollered.
A chimpanzee walked into a bar, jumped up on a stool and ordered a beer. “You’re a talking chimp!” the bartender exclaimed. ” Right,” the chimp replied, ” I’m working in construction across the street for a week, then I’m laid off, now where is my beer?” Each day the chimp came in for a beer after work, he was getting more and more depressed about being laid off. Meanwhile a circus came to town, the bartender mentioned the talking chimp to the owner. ” I’ve got great news, you can get a job with the circus.” he informed the chimp. ” This circus, its in a big canvas tent?” the chimp inquired. ” Well yes,” replied the bartender. ” Wonder what they need a finishing carpenter for?” mused the chimp.