Category Archives: Celebrity Jokes

Parachutes for two

Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute boy are on a plane when the plane suddenly develops engine troubles.

“Bad news,” the lawyer said. “There are only two parachutes. You and me will go.”

“What about the boy?” asks Michael.

“Screw the boy!”

“Do we have time?”

Jay Leno Quotes

More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one … and then another one … and then another one. Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants. McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it? Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, “It’s like ordering a pizza.” Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza…I guess in some ways it is – when it’s delivered, it’s never quite as hot as you hoped it would be. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom! According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy….Roy. New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

Ellen Degeneres Quotes

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. I was coming home from kindergarten – well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves. People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun. Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Donald Trump: Friar’s Club Roast

On October 15, 2004, shortly before his wedding to model Melania Knauss, Donald Trump was roasted at the Friar’s Club’s 100th anniversary bash in New York City. Regis Philbin led a panel of friends in razzing the Donald, among them comedian Susie Essman. “I know what Melania sees in you,” she joked. “A billion dollars and high cholesterol!”

Overheard at a party:

The bookmakers are taking bets on who Donald Trump will marry next (a serious remark). Odds are: Marla Maples 34 to 1, Elizabeth Taylor 5000 to 1, etc. etc., and Boy George 65000 to 1. Someone else who overheard suggested that The Donald would place a large bet on Boy George and marry him to collect.

From the March 1990 Playboy interview with Donald Trump

From the March 1990 Playboy interview with Donald Trump: Playboy: How is your marriage? Trump: Just fine. Ivana is a very kind and good woman. I also think she has the instincts and drive of a good manager. She’s focused and she’s a perfectionist. Playboy: And as a wife, not a manager? Trump: I never comment on romance…. She’s a great mother, a good woman who does a good job. Playboy: What is marriage to you? Is it monogamous? Trump: I don’t have to answer that. I never speak about my wife–which is one of the advantages of not being a politician. My marriage is and should be a personal thing.

Best Wishes, The Donald

Shortly after the construction of the twin-towered Time Warner Center in Manhattan (home to twenty million dollar condos featuring, its owners claimed, the “most commanding view of any residences overlooking Central Park”), Donald Trump had banners hung from his own World Tower, a neighboring building to the north. Trump’s message? “Your views aren’t so great, are they? We have the real Central Park views and address! Best Wishes, The Donald.”