Category Archives: Celebrity Jokes

“Who do you want to play?”

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. “Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. “I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.” “And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg. “Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly. “And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. “I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.

Comedians’ Best Lines, 1997

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ –Larry Miller “A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.” –Christopher Case “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” –Bob Ettinger “I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” –Ellen DeGeneres “A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.'” –Jake Johansen “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.” –Dick Cavett “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” –A. Whitney Brown “Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?” –Jon Stewart “My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'” –Paula Poundstone “In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” –Warren Hutcherson “I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.” –Jack Mayberry “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.” –Conan O’Brien “I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.” –Bruce Baum “I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.” –Jeff Stilson “Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” –Sue Murphy “The statistics on sanity are that one

Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. -Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. -When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. -You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. -Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. -An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. -Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.