Category Archives: Clean Jokes

Whenever your children are out of control…

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, “Don’t.” “Don’t what?” Adam replied. “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said. “Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we have forbidden fruit!” “No way!” “Yes, way!” “Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God. “Why?” “Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why he stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God, as our first parent, asked. “Uh huh,” Adam replied. “Then why did you?” said the Father. “I don’t know,” said Eve. “She started it!” Adam said. “Did not!” “Did too!” “DID NOT!” Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Drive Through ATM Procedures

Please note that Banks are installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE * 1 Drive up to the cash machine. * 2 Put down your car window. * 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN. * 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. * 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt. * 6 Put window up. * 7 Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE * 1 Drive up to cash machine. * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine. * 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down. * 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card. * 5 Turn the radio down. * 6 Attempt to insert card into machine. * 7 Attempt to insert card into machine. * 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. * 9 Insert card. * 10 Re-insert card the right side up * 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. * 12 Enter PIN. * 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. * 14 Enter amount of cash required. * 15 Check make up in rear view mirror. * 16 Retrieve cash and receipt. * 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. * 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook. * 19 Re-check make-up again. * 20 Drive forwards 2 feet. * 21 Reverse back to cash machine. * 22 Retrieve card. * 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. * 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind. * 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off. * 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles. * 27 Release Parking Brake.

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

The Perks of Being Over 40…

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?” 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong. I’ve scent this massage threw it, And I’m shore your pleased too no Its letter prefect in every weigh; My checker tolled me sew.

QUOTES ARE FROM ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 6. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” 7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 8. “He sets low personal standards an then consistently fails to achieve them.” 9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.” 12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 15. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 16. “He would argue with a signpost.” 17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” 18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing,but the train isn’t coming.” 24. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 28. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 29. “One neuron short of a synapse.” 30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.” 32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

New York Times 1-22-03 Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: “George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.” A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. *Moral of the story: Don’t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

A Loan for Kermit

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?” (You’re going to love this) (A masterpiece) (Wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says…”It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Questions?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? Which is the other side of the street? Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”

Dilbert’s latest vocabulary additions

BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. IDEA HAMSTERS People who always seem to have their idea generators running. MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. SQUIRT THE BIRD To transmit a signal to a satellite. STARTER MARRIAGE A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPED OUT An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. TOURISTS People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists. TREEWARE Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace. GOING POSTAL Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. ALPHA GEEK The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. ASSMOSIS The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. CHIPS & SALSA Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa. FLIGHT RISK Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. GOOD JOB A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. IRRITAINMENT Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton’s shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. UNINSTALLED Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice-president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and a