Category Archives: Clean Jokes

The things that prove you’re a New Yorker….

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map. 4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible. 5. The subway makes sense. 6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 7. You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple”. 8. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. 9. You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard. 10. You consider Westchester “Upstate”. 11. You think Central Park is “nature.” 12. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer’s speaking. 13. You’re paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a “steal.” 14. You’ve been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times. 15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent. 16. You haven’t seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid. 17. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. 18. Your closet is filled with black clothes. 19. You haven’t heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you. 20. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. 21. You take fashion seriously. 22. Being truly alone makes you nervous. 23. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. 24. Going to Brooklyn is considered a “road trip.” 25. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you. 26. You’ve gotten jaywalking down to an art form. 27. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise. 28. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes. 29. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag. 30. You have a minimum of five “worst cab ride ever” stories. 31. You don’t hear sirens anymore. 32. You’ve mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city’s air quality and what it’s doing to your lungs. 33. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns. 34. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

This was in the “Bob Levey’s Washington” column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the “Best T-shirts of the Summer”:

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won 2) So many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me 3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy 4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends 5) If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going 6) At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All… I Just Can’t Remember It All 7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips 8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do 9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah 10) If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?

Humor

In Bill Gates’ book, Business @ The Speed of Thought, he lays out 11 rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but should. He argues that our feel-good, politically correct teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for failure in the real world. RULE 1 – Life is not fair; get used to it. RULE 2 – The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. RULE 3 – You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both. RULE 4 – If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure. RULE 5 – Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity. RULE 6 – If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them. RULE 7 – Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try “delousing” the closet in your own room. RULE 8 – Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. RULE 9 – Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. RULE 10 – Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. RULE 11 – Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Humor: Professional Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “professional”. Scroll down for the answers after you have thought about it. The questions are not that difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ? Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly you still have one more chance to show your abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

25 SIGNS THAT YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?” 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant. 8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂 24. You’re reading this. 25. Even worse; you’re going to forward it to someone else.

So of course it’s difficult to learn the English language…….and learning to spell can be pure guess work…….

a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. b. A backward poet writes inverse. c. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. d. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before. e. Practice safe eating – always use condiments. f. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. g. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. h. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. i. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. j. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? k. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. l. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. m. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. n. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired. o. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.) p. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. q. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. r. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. s. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. t. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. u. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. v. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. w. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. x. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it. y. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. z. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key. aa. Every calendar’s days are numbered. ab. A lot of money is tainted – ‘taint yours and ‘taint mine. ac. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ad. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. ae. A plateau is a high form of flattery. af. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. ag. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ah. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall. ai. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. aj. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. ak. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Top 45 Oxymoron’s:

45. Act naturally 44. Found missing 43. Resident alien 42. Advanced BASIC 41. Genuine imitation 40. Airline Food 39. Good grief 38. Same difference 37. Almost exactly 36. Government organization 35. Sanitary landfill 34. Alone together 33. Legally drunk 32. Silent scream 31. Living dead 30. Small crowd 29. Business ethics 28. Soft rock 27. Butt Head 26. Military Intelligence 25. Software documentation 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. “Now, then …” 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Political science 8. Tight slacks 7. Definite maybe 6. Pretty ugly 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake 4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works

Test your IQ with the question below:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer…answer is at the bottom of the page……..

Take a clean dish.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish.”