Category Archives: Clean Jokes

I did!

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you’re upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?” “I did!” sobbed Johnny.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

What time does the library open?

“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?” “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called…

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. “I’d like one under-cooked egg so that it’s runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” “That’s a complicated order sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

Only one kiss per yard

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Well, they’re in – and better than the Golden Globes…

Annual Darwin Awards: They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It’s an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year are: 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2″ tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gasmask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12″ long and 3″ in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man – who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital – police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him. 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, w