Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea? Waiter: What does it taste like? Customer: It tastes like gasoline! Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.
A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband “Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back’s killing me and my left breast just burns and burns.” He said “I’m gonna help you, Dear. I’ll get you some aspirins for the headache, I’ll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you’ll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it’ll stop burning!”
“I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning,” prescribed the doctor. “You gotta be kidding, doc,” I’ve been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee”.
I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don’t you quit drinking coffee. He said, “because if I didn’t have the shakes I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”
Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. Spouse #2: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
A blonde says to a brunette, ”Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.” The brunette says, ”Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.”
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people’s fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don’t sweat, you percolate. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You answer the door before people knock. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.