Category Archives: Computer Jokes

Computers are female

The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message “Bad Command or File Name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Modems beat women

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman: A modem doesn’t ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing “AT”. When you’re done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty. A modem won’t say a word if you come home late. A modem can’t collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out. A modem doesn’t mind if you call another modem. A virus you catch from your modem doesn’t require a trip to the doctor. You don’t have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control – you can even turn the sound OFF.

Husband 1.0 Revisited

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate: First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly .WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. They could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can’t learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old stand-by Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware). Good Luck Tech Support

Husband 1.0

HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change… For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes. Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware. Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated. Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response. After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack. Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand. Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9 On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later. Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you’d like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

How You Know You Are A High Tech Worker

It’s dark when you drive to and from work. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. You learn about your layoff on CNN. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. Your supervisor hasn’t the ability to do your job assignment. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital. All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends. 10% of the people you work with (boss included) — knows what they do. Vacation is something you rollover to next year. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers” or “does something with satellites” You read this entire list and understood it.

How to Use PSP

Supplies you will need: 1 computer, 1 chair, 1 desk, 1 cat, 1 spouse, 1 car, 1 copy of Paint Shop Pro , one 6-pack, clothing optional. Step 1: Fix yourself a drink. I prefer Coke myself, but there are times when I wonder if a shot of gin might help. I tried Cafe Mocha once, but that makes a mess when the cat flies from the top of the china cabinet to your desk. Step 2: Put the cat outside or in another room and let her clean the Cafe Mocha off her own feet. I tried to clean her up once but it took me days to get the fur off my tongue. Step 3: On the way back from putting the cat out, make a stop in the kitchen and whine because you’re all out of Oreos. Decide you can make do with Chips Ahoy and remove 2 from the bag. Place them on a plate and put them in the microwave for 10 seconds. During those 10 seconds, pace around the kitchen island and begin to imagine colors in your mind. Pastels? Bright Primaries? Muted earth tones? Dark shades of gray? Step 4: Remove the plate of cookies from the microwave, change your mind, put your clothes on, grab your wallet, and head for the nearest Quik Mart to buy Oreos. After all, quality images require quality snack food! Step 5: Return home, get back into your comfy clothes, and sit down at your computer and rip that bag of Oreos open with your teeth. That will show your computer who’s the boss around there. Step 6: Open your PSP program. Watch it come to life on the screen before you. Smile with the knowledge that tonight you will create a masterpiece. A computer graphic that will be so superb, so spectacular, it will make the world sit up and take notice. Step 7: Open a new image. 400 pixels by 400 pixels. When it shows up black on your monitor, close that, and open a new one with a transparent background. Open an Oreo and eat the half without the filling. Step 8: Fill the transparent image with a background of your choice. Change your mind and undo it. Search your files for a different background. Lick the filling off the other Oreo half. Step 9: Find the perfect background for your image. Celebrate by eating the other half Oreo. Step 10: Fill your transparent image with that perfect background. Decide that isn’t quite as perfect as it looked, growl, undo it, and open another Oreo. But don’t eat it. Step 11: Search through the CD where you’ve been storing special images. Reboot your computer when your CD-Rom freezes. While your computer restarts, wander across the living room and end up in the kitchen by accident. Nibble a handful of peanuts. Step 12: Repeat Steps 6 & 7, substituting a smirk for the smile. Step 13: Fill the transparent image with a solid color of your choice. Celebrate by eating that Oreo you opened and left laying on your desk. That’s right. The half the cat didn’t get when she jumped up on your desk while you were nibbling peanuts in the kitchen. You didn’t put her out did you? Step 14:Decide you don’t like the light color you filled the image with and change it to a darker color. Change your mind once more and settle for a medium dark color. Celebrate by twisting open an Oreo and eating the half with the filling first. Step 15: Run to the kitchen and answer the phone. Tell the nice man you don’t need new carpeting. Munch on a few potato chips while discussing the weekends events with your spouse. Step 16:Wander to the living room and look at the TV. Wonder to yourself if maybe you’d be more inspired if you had a good movie playing while you paint. Plug in your favorite movie. Have trouble with the *tracking adjustment*, leave the fuzzy lines across the bottom of the TV screen. Step 17: Sit back down at your computer and look at the image with the medium dark color. Notice the cat sitting under the dining room table eating the last half of your Oreo. Make a mental note to replace the cat with a parakeet. Step 18: Wonder what would happen if you applied a filter to that solid color. Attempt to apply a filter. When nothing happens attempt to apply another filter. Make a third try. Realize that your filters aren’t working. Step 19: Go to PaintShopPro / Plugins / Filters. Yup! They’re all there. Check to see if you unzipped them. Check to see if you installed them. Check to see if you unzipped and installed them into the right folder. Step 20: Unzip and install all those filters you downloaded. Close out all windows and reboot your computer. Wander into the kitchen while your computer restarts. Make yourself a turkey on white sandwich. Extra mayo. Step 21: Sit back down at your computer. Repeat Step 6. You forgot to save your image didn’t you? Repeat Step 7 with no smile. Step 22: Fill your transparent image with a solid color. Any color. You don’t care what anymore. Step 23: Attempt to apply a filter. Make another attempt. Find that some work and some don’t. Send a hasty email to a friend asking why this is happening. Step 24: Make a quick run to the bathroom, then zip through the kitchen on your way back and freshen your drink. Scotch might be appropriate at this phase, settle for another coke. Step 25: Hear your email sound go off. Rush back to your computer, tripping over the cat, and spilling half the drink on the carpet. If the kids are out of earshot, use one of your favorite words and mop up the spill. Step 26: Sit down at your computer and read the email from your friend. It speaks of setup.exe, msvcrt10.dll, and plugin.dll, C:\windows\, C:\windows\system, D:\PaintShopPro\Plugins\. HUH? WHAT? WHERE? Step 27: Growl and eat 2 whole Oreos. Step 28: Return to your PSP program and look at your image with the acceptable solid color background. It’s a nice color. Maybe not the nicest, but nice. Decide you could live with that. It’s not so bad. You might even come to like it. Eat 3 more Oreos as you contemplate all this. Step 29: Finally decide that this new image is finished. It’s fabulous! A true work of art! A masterpiece! You’ve just created a new background to use on a web page. Step 30: SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

How To Get A Life

It’s never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn’t as painful as kidney stones. Here’s how: Let go of the mouse. Turn off the computer. Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards. Eat something other than taco chips. Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page. Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard. Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it. Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness. When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside. If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound. Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address. Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

How to Determine if Technology has Taken Over Your Life

Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house only computers with laser printers. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card. You disdain people who use low Baud rates. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it. You know bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :). You back up your data every day. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a wrist-rest for her mouse. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and a half inch sizes. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow. You own a set of itty bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine year old. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better the track ball or the track *pad*. You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop. You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face to face.

How To Build A web Page In 25 Steps

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software – 20 minutes. 2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page – 6 weeks. 3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it – 20 minutes. 4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site – 1 minute. 5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like – 4 days. 6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again – 25 minutes. 7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do – 15 minutes. 8. View the source of others’ pages, steal some, change a few words here and there – 4 hours. 9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software – 1 minute. 10. Try to horizontally line up two related images – 6 hours. 11. Remove one of the images – 10 seconds. 12. Set the text’s font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone – 4 hours. 13. Download a counter from your ISP – 4 minutes. 14. Try to figure out why your counter reads “You are visitor number -16.3 E10” – 3 hours. 15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text – 8 hours. 16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP – 40 minutes. 17. Accidentally delete your complete web page – 1 second. 18. Recreate your web page – 2 days. 19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP’s server – 3 weeks. 20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP – 30 minutes. 21. Download FTP software – 10 minutes. 22. Call your friend again – 15 minutes. 23. Upload your web page to your ISP’s server – 10 minutes. 24. Connect to your site on the web – 1 minute. 25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps – eternity.