What’s the similarity between Kodak and condoms?

They are both there to catch those special moments.

In Britain and Ireland a rubber is what you use to correct mistakes made in pencil; in the US it’s called an eraser and a rubber is a condom. In Britain and Ireland a fag is a cigarette whereas in America they’re confused enough by this point and decide to take their sex tourism elsewhere.

I was lying in bed, having just had sex with my new girlfriend without a condom for the first time.

“You’re absolutely sure you’ve not got anything?” she asked for the fifth time.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about,” I replied, “3 of my last 4 HIV tests came back negative.”

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

16 years ago my condom split resulting in a beautiful little boy. Years later he has turned into an insolent, twattish teenager!

Anyone know how I can get in touch with The Terminator?

When I turned 16 my dad handed me a condom and said, ”There you go son, you’ll be needing this.”

”Thanks dad.” I replied, ”Are you sure mum is ok with this?”

”Of course, it was her idea.” He said, ”Now get upstairs while she’s still in the mood.”

When I came home and found my wife shagging a complete stranger in the living room, initially I was fuming.

Imagine my relief after she explained that he was just a door-to-door condom salesman demonstrating his wares.

What do you get with a corduroy condom?

A groovy kind of love.

How do faggots get a condom off? 

They fart.