Category Archives: Courtroom Jokes

People really said these things in court…

Q: What is your date of birth? 

A: July fifteenth. 

Q: What year? 

A: Every year. 

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis – does it affect your memory at all? 

A: Yes. 

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

A: I forget. 

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten? 

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? 

A: Oral. 

 

Q: How old is your son – the one living with you. 

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. 

Q: How long has he lived with you? 

A: Forty-five years. 

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?” 

Q: And why did that upset you? 

A: My name is Susan. 

 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? 

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? 

A: We both do. 

Q: Voodoo? 

A: We do. 

Q: You do? 

A: Yes, voodoo. 

 

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? 

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

A: Yes. 

Q: And what were you doing at that time? 

 

Q: She had three children, right? 

A: Yes. 

Q: How many were boys? 

A: None. 

Q: Were there any girls? 

 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 

A: Yes. 

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you? 

A: I went to Europe, sir. 

Q: And you took your new wife? 

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? 

A: By death. 

Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 

 

Q: Can you describe the individual? 

A: He was about medium height and had a beard. 

Q: Was this a male, or a female? 

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.