Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?” Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: Did you see my client flee the scene? A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender. Q: Who provided you with the description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer? A: Yes, sir, with my life. Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties? A: Yes, sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes, sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes, sir. Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those some officers? A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Questions asked in a courtroom can be very revealing… especially in the South. Even of an old, sweet lady many would be happy to call grandma. In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Of course, I do. I’ve known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney turned red with embarssment. The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt.”
A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says “I was taught to be thorough.” The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says “I was taught to be environmentally friendly.” The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says “I was taught not to piss on my hands.
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene Client: Oh no! I’m ruined! What’s the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!