Defense Attorney: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? , Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my bosoms. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years. Defense! Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!” Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!”….And that’s when I shot the son of BI*TCH
Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, “where am I Cathy?” Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well I can see pretty well I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, do they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you? A: I went to Europe, sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attor
1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking. 2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn’t looking. 3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present. 4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver. 5. Stand up and yell “OBJECTION!” to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING. 6. If you’re the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table. 7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles. 8. Sing “The Song That Never Ends” incessantly. 9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you’ll “call him” 10. Actually call him 11. Bring a kazoo. 12. Act like you’re doing something important, and ask them to “keep it down” 13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you’ve been shot. 14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full. 15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee’s whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to “stop it!” 16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one. 17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object. 18. Dress up like Santa Claus 19. Drink all of your lawyer’s water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom. 20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word “the” 21. Change your plea every five minutes 22. If you’re the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers “Barney” 23. Gurgle into the microphone. 24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie. 25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk. 26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, “From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!” 27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay. 28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say “I’m a paying customer!”. 29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, “I’ve done better…” 30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically “Now that’s more like it!”. 31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices! 32. When pronounced guilty, reply “How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper – best o
In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, “Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I’d remember his face anywhere.” At which point, the defendant bursts out, “You couldn’t see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!”
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they got a verdict yet?” The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? Hell, they’re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.