Category Archives: Dead/Dying Jokes

Two men died and went to Heaven…

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be. Great! said the first guy, I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery! No problem, replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. And what do you want to be, St. Peter asked the other guy. Id like to be one cool stud! was the reply. Easy, replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. You’ll find them easily, he says, One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

Two Irish friends greeted each other…

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. This reminds me of Finnegan, remarked one. What about Finnegan? inquired the other. Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: Its a fine job you’ve had here for a long time. Well, Finnegan, said St. Peter, here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent. Ah! said Finnegan, I’m needing cash. Lend me a cent. Sure, said St. Peter, just wait a minute.

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO…

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor what did you do on Earth? The Doctor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, you may go in.St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her you may go in.St. Peter asked the third man, what did you do? The man hung his head and replied, I ran a large HMO. To which St. Peter replied, you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day…

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, Heavens getting pretty close to full today, and Ive been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So whats your story? So the first man replies: Well, for a while Ive suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony. That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. Its been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here. Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. Picture this, says the third man, I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus…

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, How many times did you cheat on your wife? The first man replied, Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife. The Lord replied, Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, How many times did you cheat on your wife? The second man replied, Lord, I cheated on my wife twice. The Lord replied, I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, So, how many times did y ou cheat on your wife? The third man replied, Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times. The Lord replied, I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. Why are you crying? the two men asked. You got the mansion and limo! The first man replied, Im crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve…

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas? They’re Carols.

Three men die and go to heaven…

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, whats your name?Paul: My name is Paul.St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Paul: 120K.St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?Paul: I was a lawyer.St. Peter: Thats great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, whats your name?Roger: My name is Roger.St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Roger: 60K.St. Peter: Hey, thats great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?Roger: I was an accountant.St. Peter: Thats very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, whats your name?John: My name is John.St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died ?John: About $23,000.St. Peter: Hey, thats fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?