A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, Look, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to throw the switch in a minute. The man said, Do me a favor and throw it out the window!
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it! Oh, my God! says his friend. Surely he must have died! Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friends wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate.Jack, says the man, Your wife just died yesterday!!! His friend looks up and says, In this grief, do you think I know what I’m doing?
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wifes wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: No, you cant have those! They’re for the funeral!
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted Avalanche! The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted Flood! and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted Fire!
A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, Have you got any books about committing suicide? The librarian said, Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf.The chap came back a few moments later and said, I cant find any at all.The librarian replied, Yes, its awful. They never bring em back!
Why are you crying Fred? asked the teacher. Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . . Fred, said the teacher. You must have known that Wisks bad for parrots.Oh it wasnt the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier.
Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees.Yes, Sir, the new employee replied. Well, then, that makes everything just fine, the boss went on. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral, she stopped in to see you.