Four stages of illness:
Four stages of illness:
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next please !
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says; “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor said. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
“Doctor,” says the worried patient, “Are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of kidney failure.”
“Don’t worry,” says the doctor in an reassuring tone. “That won’t happen with me as your doctor. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he’ll die of pneumonia.”
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did some repairs and after ten minutes handed the doctor a bill for £ 800.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
A woman, calling an Hospital, said, “Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better.”
The nurse on the other end of the line said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”
The caller said, “Thank you! She’s Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”
The nurse said, “Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday.”
The caller said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful! Oh! That’s fantastic! That’s wonderful news!”
The nurse replied, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!”
The caller said, “I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn’t tell me a word!”
“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks,” a guy told his friend.
“And did he?” asked the friend.
“Yes,” the first guy replied. “I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a check up a couple of weeks before the wedding date.
The doctor looks him over and says, “Bill, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing.”
“What’s that?”, asks the millionaire.
“At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care it could be really deadly” the doctor replies.
Bill thinks for a minute and then says, “What the hell, if she dies she dies.”
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”
What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”
“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”
A man was brought to an hospital run by nuns, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a nun, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun persisted.
“Just my sister in New York,” he volunteered. “But she’s also a nun , is poor and is not married.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith, we nuns are not “unmarried”! We are married to God.”
“Really? How Wonderful.” said Smith. “In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!”