Category Archives: Doctor Jokes

My child has swallowed a contraceptive

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. “Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.” The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. “You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.” The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!” By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?” “I was in bed.” “What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?” “Getting a second opinion.”

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. “She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.” The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?” “No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!” The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?” “No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”

Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.” The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?” The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.” “I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks. “Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…” “Like this?” “A little more…” “Like this?” “No. A little more…” “Like this?” “Yes. Does that hurt?” “A little bit.” “Now stretch it over your head!”

I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news? Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news? Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

I’m afraid I have some very bad news

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?” “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!” The doctor interrupts, “Nine…”