Category Archives: Drug Jokes

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs…

Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

 

You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

 

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

 

“How did you do over the weekend?” 

“Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever.”

“10 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

 

“I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy)

 

“Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever.”

“50 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”

“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison….”

George, a party animal…

George, a party animal, spots a nice looking woman in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.

“Carmen,” she replied.

That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation, “Who named you, your mother?”

“No, I named myself,” she answered.

“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his

eyes. “And what is your name?”

“Mr Snortscrew”

The Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he

stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, ‘Giraffe, my friend, Think about

what you’re doing to yourself! Come with me running through the

forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!’ The giraffe looks

at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the

rabbit.

 

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit

again says, ‘Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about

what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the

pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!’ The elephant looks

at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and

starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

 

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some

smack. ‘Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re 

doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you

will feel so good!’ The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and

starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

 

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the

presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. ‘Lion,’ they

reprimand, ‘why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us

all!’ The lion answers, ‘That little f**ker has me running around

the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!’

These three guys die in a car wreck…

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.

 

The first guy says, “It’s gotta be the booze. I’m always drunk.”

The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.

The guy’s thinking, “Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room.

 

The second guy says, “It’s the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife.”

The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.

 

The third dude says, “It’s gotta be the bud. I’m always tokin’ up.”

The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can’t believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.

 

One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.

He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. “I’ll never drink again!” he says. The devil says it’s good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

 

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. “I’m fucking gay!” he screams. The devil figures he’s learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.

 

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.

The Devil asks him if he’s learned anything.

The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, “Dude … you got a light?”