Category Archives: Election Jokes

—Daily Show correspondent Rob Corrdry

“Take John Kerry — the man who fell off the radar — he may win this thing. Not bad for war hero turned senator. Or John Edwards — polling a surprising second — quite a coup for the bastard son of a retarded mill worker. Let’s not forget the screamer with braces on two legs, Dennis Kucinich. … If he can overtake the one testicled half man/half monkey Howard Dean, he could then easily edge out Richard Gephardt — the pleasant freckled face congressman”

Election Signs and Bumper Stickers

“Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.” -Joseph Stalin (Bush campaign advisor) My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo Don’t throw away your vote……..let Katherine Harris do it for you. One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states) Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant. Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting. To you I’m a drunk driver; to my friends, I’m presidential material! I didn’t vote for his daddy either. It ain’t over till your brother counts the votes. The election can’t be broken. We just fixed it. Banana Republicans The Bush Administration – Taxpayer Supported Organized Crime (LV) George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had Campaign spending: $184,000,000. Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.

Top Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission

10. “The first vote goes to Gore…call CNN and tell them Gore won.” 9. “Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box…oh my god! Stop the dryer!” 8. “If someone voted for ‘the jerk,’ do I give it to Gore or Bush?” 7. “Let’s be extra careful, because every single vote counts…ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!” 6. “120… 121… 122! Yes! I’m the ballot-eating champion!” 5. “This is much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone” 4. “America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election” 3. “Discard all these votes for Bush — they’re obviously left over from 1992” 2. “I’m sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only there was a way to make it last a few more days…” 1. “Heads Bush… Tails Gore”