ME: …

PERSON1: …

Other person walks in after long silence

ME: “…And that’s the second time I got crabs.”

P1: “..Um.. I’m sorry, what?”

ME: “Haha, it was a way to, y’know. Crack the ice? Like–“

P1: “Oh.”

ME: “–since it was so quiet, and he just walked in, I figured it’d, you know, be a good joke.”

P1: “Oh, (Insert half-assed courtesy laugh) I see.” Turns back away.

P2: Awkwardly stares at wall since first entering the elevator

Into your cell phone, “So exactly HOW contagious are we talking?…really…seriously?…I’m just on an elevator…of course there are other people on board…<cover mouth with shirt>. Done. What now?…could you push (next floor)?

Here’s my elevator story. Happened a long time ago in college. We had 2 elevators in our dorm building, and one was always broken. I used to live on the top 8th floor. It was the same deal every morning. You’d wait forever for the single elevator to arrive, get on it, and then spend forever stopping at each floor.

Me and another couple get on the 8th floor, another person gets on the 7th, 6th, still fine. Even 5th floor is borderline OK. But once you get to the 4th and somebody stops the elevator to get on, they start getting dirty looks. Take the fu*king stairs, you know the single elevator’s going to be full anyway.

On this particular day, the elevator stopped on every single floor, including 3rd. After the 3rd, the door closed, and we continue down to 1st, then all of a sudden, the elevator stops on the 2nd floor.

There a big black dude on the elevator (got on around 7th floor), and he’s all pissed, because he’s about to be late for class. Before the door opens, he says out loud: “THIS GUY BETTER BE CRIPPLED!!!”

A second later the door opens, and this frail Asian dude rolls up on a wheelchair.

Everybody fell silent. I felt like laughing out loud, and sad at the same time. One guy chimed in – ‘Dude, that’s fu*ked up.’

It was.

I always ask someone to push “Floor 15 please” when there are only 14 floors or one more than the total. Most try to find it, look at me strangely, and then realize what I did. Works every time.

My best friend (a completely normal white guy) and I were in a crowded elevator and I said to him “I just can’t get over how different you look in men’s clothing” and everyone lost it.

“I just want to say that I feel really close to you guys. And now, having seen you at your highest and lowest points, and even though sometimes we push each other’s buttons, I feel like we have gotten to know each other on so many different levels. But now I need more space, a chance to set out on my own. So I just have to say… see you later, elevator.”

When we have a group with 5 or more people who know each other, we play “corners”. You yell “Corner!” when the group gets in the elevator, and you have to rush to stand in one of the four corners of the elevator, kind of like musical chairs.

When me and a few friends take an elevator, we cover all the walls as much as we can and all face each other. The next time it stops and someone gets in, they have to stand in the middle of the circle with everyone facing them. Super awkward.