One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.
After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question. God, he said, What is heaven like? God replied, Well, normally I don’t tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!
The man looked pleased. What is hell like? he asked.
Well, he said with a sigh, the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
‘’So, you’ve been out drinking again!!’’
‘’What makes you say that?’’ he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.
‘’The pub called…you left your wheelchair there again.’’
What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? Gaelic breath.
What’s the difference between a hotel and a fanny? You don’t have to leave your bags outside a hotel.
Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? A. Hose A and Hose B
They say that it’s tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses: six past, one present, and no future.
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he’s in luck; there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, ‘’What the heck did you put on this pizza?’’
The delivery man bows deeply and says, ‘’We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.’’
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
‘’Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,’’ says the waiter.
The Texan says, ’’What’s a shortage?’’
The Russian says, ’’What’s a steak?’’
The New Yorker says, ’’What’s excuse me?’’
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it’s getting worse.
Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.