Category Archives: Horoscope jokes

Your 2016 Funny Horoscope!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

 

Hey, you’re kind of the worst. But you have a lot of friends because you have a lot of money. In 2016, you’ll start greeting office mates in the morning with the phrase: “Morning Muggles!” Consequently, you’ll never be invited to happy hour drinks again. In your new free time, you’ll take up yoga but you’ll be really bad at it.

Continue reading Your 2016 Funny Horoscope!

Horoscope ! 2016

Aries: This is your year if you’re looking to take that exotic vacation or just stay at home and complain about it. You’re a free spirit with two eyes and hair so you know what you want and you’re determined to get it, except you don’t and you won’t. Your spirit animal is your mother-in-law. Your lucky numbers are: 4…and that’s it.

 

Gemini:  You’ve been experiencing a huge health kick lately and it’s in the stars that you’ll join the gym very soon. Expect to quit the gym on your way to the gym and binge eat until Valentine’s Day. That’s when your love life will totally heat up, as will your kitchen when your single-life Hot Pocket starts a small kitchen fire. Hot! Your spirit animal is a rabid mouse. Your lucky numbers are: 1, 2, 3, 4 and H.

 

Continue reading Horoscope ! 2016

Valentines pisces 2016

Pisceans are, of course, born just after Valentine’s Day, which means that you are not imbued with as much naturally love and tension as many of your other kin. However, today you will set the record straight by claiming a number of notches on your bedpost – a number of extra names in your diary – and a number of other compromising images on your flickr account.

 

You may feel the urge to rush out and buy a music single today, but be careful which one you choose. Your Valentine’s Day could be made or broken by that choice, and whether the smooth silky tones of Luther Vandross belt out from your stereo, or the soft come-to-bed attitude of the highly sensual Justin Bieber/Susan Boyle collaboration.

 

Today will just be a whole heap of fun if you just LET IT. So go on, relax, and let the day wash over you.

Valentines aquarius 2016

Valentine’s Day will see the most fruitful exploration of your love life that you’ve ever previously had. New ideas will be yours, wild thoughts will spawn, and seemingly impossible physical acts will be your reward. If that’s true, any pictures you might have of the events would be hot and this horoscoper would happily receive such visual treats.

 

When not trying to twist your body into shapes previously only seen in the alphabet, you may also experience tingling sensations in places where skin ought not be so inflamed. These feelings are likely to lead to further complications later if not dealt with immediately, so please try to visit a clinic. Please don’t take photographs of this, or if you do please avoid emailing them in. My eyes will burn and my soul will die.

 

If you can’t have fun today of all days, then fun will not be your friend for two score and ten more nights. You have been advised.

Valentines capricorn 2016

Capricorn – no other star sign rhymes with horn. Although factually accurate, the previous statement bears no real relation to your valentine’s horoscope.

 

Today will be a mixed bag of blessings and misfortune. Blessings will come in the guise of beautiful people all wanting to contact you out of the blue and ravish your very being. Misfortunes will come in the rather more evident guise of waking up to discover that this is untrue. Yes, that’s right – it was all a dream! You are my favourite cliche.

 

If it’s true that in the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man is King, you have every chance in this god-awful world of ugly and crazy people. You may exhibit parts of these two facets yourself, but you’re still better than so many others.

Valentines sagittarius 2016

Sagittarians are best linked with Aries and Libra, so if you’re looking around the place and thinking “Who’s my best chance for a snog?” you might want to whip out the old “Hey, let’s play the birthday game” and find out things to your advantage.

 

If Goblins were real, they’d all be Sagittarians. This isn’t a way of saying you’re unattractive – on the contrary, Goblins are (universally speaking) some of the most attractive creatures around. On the whole, Goblins are pretty much the best you’re going to get, anyway.

 

If lustful thoughts are making their way through your mind, you might as well call a halt on them now. The chances of you “getting lucky” within the next day or so are limited. In fact, if you are looking for love you might as well go and buy one of ‘those’ magazines. Yes, you know the ones.

Valentines scorpio 2016

How often must you have heard that all Scorpio horoscopes have a sting in their tail? Very often? Oh well, at least if you’re going to be reading a horoscope about Valentine’s day you might as well have a few cliches thrown in, too. After all, what are the chances of this horoscope being accurate? Is it really possible that 1 in 12 people who share a birthday between the Scorpio dates will share the same fate? Does that sound at all logical?

 

Suddenly today will feel like a veil has been lifted from you – as though things will suddenly seem to make sense that haven’t previously. Is love round the corner? Who knows. But what you do know is that scheming little [swear word] is going to get a come-uppance such as hasn’t been seen outside of a Franz Kafka novel. You’re going to make things so twisted and strange that everyone’s going to forget it’s Valentine’s and start thinking it’s the opposite of Christmas. Yes, that’s right – there’s an opposite of Christmas.

 

Sorry, I got up really early this morning and I’m tired. You see, my boss made me work late last night and I’m jiggered. My brain’s not up to writing horoscopes that either make sense or give you much in return. Look, how about this for a deal: I’ll say everything’s going to be peachy for you today and you’re going to… I don’t know – maybe have sex a couple of times, or win a lottery scratch card game. Then I can maybe have a couple of beers then go back to bed. Deal? You’re a love.

Valentines libra 2016

Libra – the most exciting of all star-signs has so much fun in store for Valentine’s day. In amongst the treats and favours you receive from a loved one will also be the respect, love and adoration you truly deserve. Unfortunately, most of those things will be entirely to do with getting you into a compromising situation.

 

While today will be full of phrase you’ve not heard before, “Please, it is Valentine’s after all” may be the most commonly heard amongst Librans. Due to your giving and pleasing natures, eleven-twelfths of the population will find themselves entirely satisfied by the end of the day of the 14th, while you are left wondering whether the chemist will still be open.

 

Today could be an excellent day or a terrible day, it’s really not up to me. But if it was, I’d make sure that you got all the glory, that everyone else did all the work, and that leprechauns with little jingly bells kept coming up to your enemies and whacking them on the shins with tiny little scythes.

Valentines virgo 2016

“Oh Virgo! You mean so much to me-o! You give me so much joy-o! I am a lucky chap!”

 

I once saw that written on a bathroom stall and thought I’d share it with you. I’m not quite sure what it means – it may lyrics to the most beautiful song in the world. It may be the death cry of someone who’s been locked in a toilet and forced to bend into positions usually only attainable by strippers and yoga instructors.

 

On with the horoscopes though! Valentine’s day will bring you so much fortune that you’d think you’d been run over by a van full of medics. Your fortune won’t be from gold or jewels, but will instead be the juices of a loving relationship, all washed down in mouthfuls after a meal of sumptuous pleasure.

 

Nothing graphically sensual will happen to you today as you spend most of Valentine’s trying to fix problems at work. I mean – can’t those b****rds sort anything out for themselves? Why is it always you having to correct their mistakes, and why do they never learn? You’re sick of this s**t and you’re going to find yourself a better job, at least in time for next year’s Valentine’s day.

 

In the end a takeaway curry may be your best chance of having something hot and filling inside you.

Valentines leo 2016

Lions, both male and female, have enormous private parts. This may be relevant to you today, since as a Leo you are presumably similarly endowed.

 

When life throws you a bone, you are expected to fetch. Remember this as it may become important at some point today, especially in the workplace. If you are at all concerned for either your safety or well-being, protection can range from the prophylactic to the iron bar.

 

If you’re at all unsure of whether your love interest is reciprocal, please bear this in mind before trying to climb on top of them. Rejection can often offend, but if you’re the type that’s so thick skinned and thick headed that you need to be prised apart from the object of your love, this probably won’t offend you in the slightest. For what it’s worth, I once knew a Leo who would want love only after dancing crazily for a few hours, followed by an hour and a half of drinking cider, then a quick curry, a game of scrabble, a quick phone call to the parents, and a nice hot shower. That’s probably not worth very much but it just goes to show you why I know nothing at all about horoscopes, or love.