There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”
The man said, “Here and there.”
The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man said, “This and that.”
The judge then said, “Take him away.”
The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”
The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”
The judge turned to the farmer and said, “Mr Brown, you
are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver,
for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the
accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you
were heard to say to the policeman that you’d never felt
better. Kindly explain.”
“It’s like this, your honour” replied the farmer. “At the time
of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and
seeing it was so badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over
to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he
shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt,
I thought it was a good idea to tell him I’d never felt better.”
The judge turned to the woman and asked, “I see you’re
divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and
uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?”
“Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea
with his pinkie sticking out.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” said the judge. “It’s
considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with
the little finger sticking out.”
“But I wasn’t talking about fingers,” she replied accusingly.
Who is the most powerful ghoul? Judge Dread.
When is an English teacher like a judge? When she hands out long sentences.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light five hundred times.
What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!
The judge said to his dentist: Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
The Judge asked the defendant, Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?I do.Now what do you say to defend yourself?Your Honor, under those limitations… nothing.
The Judge admonished the witness, Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?I do.Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?Sure, said the witness. My side will win.