A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I’ve received hundred of responses to my ad seeking a husband, and they all say the exact same thing:
“Take mine, please.”
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, “Nurses are known to be hot to trot.”
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, “Telephone operators have sexy voices.”
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, “Poor guy, teachers are frigid.”
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse’s husband. He sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary.'”
Then, the telephone operator’s husband calls and sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'”
Later that afternoon, the teacher’s husband calls and happily says, “When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was ‘We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'”
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: “Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. “Dear husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden.”
The prisoner writes back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”
Six months pass and Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.”
The couple asks, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?”
To which St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here — how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by up to 90%. – Its called wedding cake.
Young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, Now how can I tell my wife that Ive got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? Ive managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but shes bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, Now how do I tell my husband that Ive got really bad breath? Ive been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as hes lived with me for a week, hes bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, Darling, Ive a c onfession to make.And she says, So have I, love.To which he replies, Dont tell me, youve eaten my socks.
Young Actor: Dad, guess what? Ive just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whos been married for 30 years. Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youll get a speaking part.