A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. Mom, she says, I just found out that my fiance’s mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding. The bride’s mother thinks for a minute. Don’t worry, she tells her daughter. I’ll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony. But mother, says the bride, that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It’s such a waste not to use it. Who said I won’t use it? her mother asked. I’ll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the good old days. Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon? Yup, we sure are, Roy replied. Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate? another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
‘Are you the owner?’ The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’
Jacob: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’
Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘
Jacob: ‘How about Viagra?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’
Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’
Jacob: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’
Jacob: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’
Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’
Jacob says to the pharmacist: ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’
Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market, said the man. Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically, remarked his friend. I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, third time’s a charm and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached.Here, my love, enjoy! Jill looks at the plate and says, You scrambled the wrong egg.
One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. Get the owner’s manual! her husband shouted. I can’t find it anywhere! she cried, searching through the box. Oops! came a voice from the kitchen. Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage of the 90’s — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, Poached? I wanted scrambled! Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, How many women can a man marry? Sixteen, the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. How do you know that? Easy, the little boy said. All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5.00 am.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… It is 5.00am; wake up.
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can’t do it because he’s her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, Mom… What have you been doing all your life? Dad’s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can’t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!
Her mom replies, Don’t worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn’t really your dad.
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said yes. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny… After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal. Oh, she said, I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.