Category Archives: New Years Eve Jokes

Top 10 Resolutions for Teens

10. Realize that sexy vampires werewolves  don’t exist no matter how much I want them to.

9. Goodbye duckface, hello sparrow mouth!

8. Get dressed before noon.

7. Less Twitter more Facebook!

6. Talk on my phone less. In the bathroom.

5. Prepare for zombies.

4. Prepare for dating in a zombie world.

3. Prepare for S.A.T. tests…in a zombie world.

2. Learn to drive.

1. Learn to drive on roads filled with zombies. 

Top 10 Resolutions for Men

10. Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Again.

9. Read that book, “Stop Procrastinating” that I bought three years ago.

8.  Figure out why supermodels don’t want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.

7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)

5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That’s attractive, right?

4. Mention in eHarmony how I’m a great date and can zap a zombie.

3. Stock up on beer.

2. Stock up on condoms just in case!

1. Get a job.

Dieting Resolutions

2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.

2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.

2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2013: I will work out every day.

2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies