1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
10. Realize that sexy vampires werewolves don’t exist no matter how much I want them to.
9. Goodbye duckface, hello sparrow mouth!
8. Get dressed before noon.
7. Less Twitter more Facebook!
6. Talk on my phone less. In the bathroom.
5. Prepare for zombies.
4. Prepare for dating in a zombie world.
3. Prepare for S.A.T. tests…in a zombie world.
2. Learn to drive.
1. Learn to drive on roads filled with zombies.
10. Get some better outfits.
9. Hit the gym for real this year.
7. Cut back on lattes.
6. Take charge.
5. Travel more!
4. Believe in myself.
3. Wear all the shoes I have bought!
2. Screen the freaks on my online dating profile.
1. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.
10. Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Again.
9. Read that book, “Stop Procrastinating” that I bought three years ago.
8. Figure out why supermodels don’t want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.
7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)
5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That’s attractive, right?
4. Mention in eHarmony how I’m a great date and can zap a zombie.
3. Stock up on beer.
2. Stock up on condoms just in case!
1. Get a job.
2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.
2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.
2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2013: I will work out every day.
2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies
What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve? The ice falling from your drink (and not hens and cocks in hand).