Category Archives: Police Jokes

I broke the speed limit a little…

I broke the speed limit a little and policeman stopped me with sirens. I admitted my quilt and policeman asked: “And what makes you feel guilty?” I raised my hands up and said: “I’m just guilty about everything…” The policmen said: ” Okey then, we have also one unresolved murder for you, if you say so…”

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You…

10. He sends you on drug raids….alone. 

9. He refers to you as “Our Little Mascot.” 

8. The job description in your contract includes “crash test dummy” and “pepper-spray test subject.” 

7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol. 

6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up. 

5. He lied to you about an “officer exchange program” and put you on a plane to Siberia. 

4. He doesn’t like to be seen with you in public. 

3. He makes up “missing persons” and then sends you to look for them. 

2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner. 

1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!!

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights…

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver’s window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. 

He says, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” 

She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”She replies, “You mean it shows that, too?” 

How Do You Know When A Cop Needs A Vacation?

10. Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren. 

9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested. 

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar. 

7. He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot. 

6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop”.

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat. 

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers. 

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids

.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel. 

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!!

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding… 

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 

Officer : Ma’am, you were speeding. 

Older Woman: Oh, I see. 

Officer : Can I see your license please? 

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. 

Officer : Don’t have one? 

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Officer : I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Older Woman: I can’t do that. 

Officer : Why not? 

Older Woman: I stole this car. 

Officer : Stole it? 

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 

Officer : You what? 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. 

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Older woman: Is there a problem sir? 

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. 

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? 

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am? 

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. 

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. 

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. 

Officer2 : Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. 

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. 

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country…

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16 “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.” 

15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.” 

14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” 

13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” 

12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” 

11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” 

10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?” 

9 “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.” 

8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” 

7 “Fair, You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.” 

6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” 

5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.” 

4 “How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?” 

3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.” 

2 “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours…so you know someone who can post your bail.” 

1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here. 

A male driver is pulled over by a cop…

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What’s the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. 

Man: No sir, I was going 65. 

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) 

Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. 

Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light! 

Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. 

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) 

Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. 

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. 

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. 

Man: Shut your mouth, woman! 

Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way? 

Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.