Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.