An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. ’Second,’ the professor continued, ’you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
I don’t understand it! the interrogating officer exclaims. You’re an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish – and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!
Sorry, the professor interrupts him. I had never intended to blow up the plane.
So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!
Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That’s quite high if you think about it – so high that I wouldn’t have any peace of mind on a flight.
And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?
You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer…
The Professor Of A Graduate-School Class Of Gifted Students Included A Huge Amount Of Material On The Midterm Exam.
Tension In The Room Built, People Were Sighing And Gasping Aloud As They Realized How Much Material They Had Covered And Were Expected To Recall.
The Following Week The Professor Tossed The Graded Papers On Her Desk And Announced, Class, After I Left Here Last Week, The Lord Spoke To Me. He Said,’ Thanks, Professor. I Haven’t Heard From Some Of Those People In Years!’
As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, Why do we have to learn this stuff? To save lives. The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. So how does physics save lives? he persisted. It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school, replied the professor.
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor’s desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. What a ridiculous test! he told the prof. How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I’ve ever seen!With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, Wait a minute, young man, what’s your name?Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, You tell me, prof! You tell me!
Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl’s junior college. During class one day he asked his student, Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define
Miss Simison gasped, and then said, Mr. Cikoch, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.
With that she sat down red-faced. Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
Correct, said Mr. Cikoch. And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have
a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.
1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2.After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream MY PACEMAKER!
4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask ‘me’, Winky Willy.
7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?
8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering tsk, tsk.
9.Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin’ Bird.
10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
11.Play Kumbaya on the banjo.
12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13.Announce you’ll need this, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown’s Sex Machine.
16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps would know and move on before anyone can answer.
17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
19.Address students as worm.
20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.
24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.
25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
27.Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their