CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, Is something bugging you? You look anxious.
Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market” she explained.
Oh, that’s too bad, the other girl sympathized. I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.
Yeah, I am, she said. He’ll miss me.
There was a tremendous turnaround in the market today. A stock brocker who jumped out of a window on the twelfth floor, saw a computer screen on the seventh floor and did a U-turn.
The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Dow Jones was unchanged and they called it a rally.
A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?
The guru replies: I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away. The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, Let me tell you a secret. You know I’ve been married for 6 years now and I’ve been your client for 5 years.
Yes, go on, the stockbroker says.
Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress.
Wow, I didn’t know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it.
No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.
A stockbroker says to his colleague, I don’t think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time.
You’re right, he replied. My whole life all I’ve done is lose money.
Next day he comes to work and resigns.
His coworker asks, What are you going to do for living?
I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time.
I am going to build a web page and take it public.
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.