Category Archives: Telemarketer Jokes

Telemarketer Repellant

If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.

Funny Ideas

When a persistent telemarketer calls you up, the one thing you can do to irritate the person is talk gibberish and at a full speed. This would surely take the caller by surprise and before you know it, the call would be disconnected!

When the telemarketer starts talking about various offers, you can irritate the person by ordering a large pizza with extra toppings! Ask for some ice soda as well and keep on blabbing about it till the telemarketer cuts the line in frustration!

Here’s another funny thing to say to a telemarketer. Interrupt the conversation and ask the caller whether he/she would like to buy some goods instead. Talk about an exotic clothing line you have or the latest in home decor. Sell your ‘products’ to the telemarketer and chances are, you are bound to lose this caller soon!

This is another funny idea to bug telemarketers who chew your brains to no end. The moment a person asks you, ‘Hello! How are you?’, reply saying, ‘I need to tell you about some problems.’ Talk about how your cat is chewing the rug and how the milkman never turns up on time!

Start singing songs possibly in some other language. Better still, you can even make your own compositions!

Talk like a recorded voice mail message. You can pretend to say, ‘I am busy in a meeting right now. Please do not even bother to leave your message after the beep!’ Remember to imitate the beep sound in an exaggerated way.

Ask the telemarketer his/her name and then explain and yell as if the person is your long lost friend. Ask him/her how the person has been and general stuff that will really take the person by surprise.

Ask the telemarketer what he/she is wearing!

You can even tell the caller you are out busy with friends and having dinner. Therefore, you can ask for the caller’s personal number and say, ‘The reason I want your number is simply because I can also call you up whilst you are eating and you can then know the feeling!’

Flirt on the phone! Begin by saying, ‘How about meeting me up personally to explain all this?’ or ask the person, ‘Are you a blonde? I simply love blondes!’

If you feel you are not really cut out for playing jokes on telemarketers then there would be a simple option for blocking such calls, which you can find from your service provider. Even then, you can still use these ideas to have a few good laughs!

The Telemarketer

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a telemarketer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, I’m humble, I will sleep in the barn. So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu and he says, There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.

So, the Rabbi says, I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it’s the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So, the telemarketer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.

It’s the pig and the cow…

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Telemarketer#ixzz2AJULTyRN

Top 10 Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer

1.Say, No, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. Maybe sing a song with all No’s This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
2.If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could it. Ask, How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like that other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?
3.If they start out with, How are you today? say, Why do you want to know? Or you can say, I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my colon is acting up again, my rectum are sore, my pet rock just died… When they try to get back to the sales process, just keep talking about your problems… if they persist – ask them why they don’t care.
4.If the person says he’s Joe Shmoe from the Acme Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask for his address. Ask for landmarks. Continue asking questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5.This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Jessica and I’m with Roger Dodd Services…. You: Hang on a second. (few seconds pause) Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?
6.If you get one of those pushy sales people who just won’t shut up, patiently listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the deal, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, go shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
7.If a long distance phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend? If that doesn’t work, say Please.
8.Tell them you work for the same company they work for. For example: Telemarketer: This is John From Acme Sales.
You: Acme Sales, hey I work for them too! Which center are you calling from?
Telemarketer: Uh, Dallas, Texas.
You: Great, how’s business over there? The weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.
9.Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional Uh-huh, really, or, That’s fascinating. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger. You might even find your soulmate.
10.Tell the telemarketer (this is my personal favorite) you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the sales person says, Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home, say, Ya! Now you know how I feel. (smiling, of course…)

Get Rid Of Telemarketers

“First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m really busy right now. Give me your home number and I’ll call you back later tonight.”

“Shhh. Wait a minute. I’m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?”

When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: “Yes, but I never allow her (him) to talk to strangers.”

When someone asks how you are: “Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain….”

“You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!”

To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: “Do you get goat’s blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?”

To a phone company solicitor: “That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute?” (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up).

When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, “Is this some kind of a joke? My house burned down last night. We lost everything!”

Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective.

Another Telemarketer

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I answered it, I was greeted with, Is this Karl Brummer?

Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who was calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, Get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears.

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.

At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn’t tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time

Terrorize telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right? The telemarketer will agree and you say, Now you know how I feel!

After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

Tell the telemarketer you are on home incarceration and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?

Cry out in surprise, Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been? Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

When they ask How are you today? Tell them! I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…

Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of them for good…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, How are you today? say, I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, What are you wearing?

5. Cry out in surprise, Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been? Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say No over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, OH MY GOD! and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right? The Telemarketer will agree and you say, Me either! and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on home incarceration and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, Ok