Category Archives: Winter Jokes

Santa Theory

A Scientific Disproof of the Santa Theory, and a couple of Rebuttals Thereto.
Original source: sirius@wam.umd.edu (The Human Neutrino aka Linda Harden)
Original Title: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each. Continue reading Santa Theory

So, Sven and Ole go out ice-fishin one day…

So, Sven and Ole go out ice-fishin one day and Sven is havin a pretty good day, pullin the fish out a da water, one right after another. But Ole’s just sitt’n there with his line in the water. And, Sven keeps pullin ’em in and Ole keeps sittin there, fishin out of the same hole, cathin nothing. Until finally, Ole’s had enough and says to Sven, “Hey der, ah, what’s yer secret der, Sven?” And Sven says, “Ym gm tm fff yrm wm wm.” And Ole says, “Sorry?” And, Sven says, “Ym gm tm fff yrm wm wm.” And, Ole says, “What’s dat der, Sven, I can’t quite make out what yer sayin.” And, Sven says, “Ptui!”, spitting something out, “Ya got ta keep yer worms warm.”

A young man from up North was driving thru a rather lonely stretch of the South when he had car trouble…

A young man from up North was driving thru a rather lonely stretch of the South when he had car trouble. He flagged down a car and they called a tow truck that towed him and his car to the nearest town, which was nothing more than a bar and a guy with a shop in his garage. While he was waiting for his car to be fixed, he went into the local bar. As soon as he stepped into the bar, the whole place went quiet and every face in the place turned toward him with less than friendly expressions. The bartender spit at his feet and asked what he wanted to drink. 

“I’ll have a white wine spritzer” he said. 

The bartender slammed down a beer in a dirty glass, and said, “Yer not from around here, are you, boy?” 

“No”, he said, “I’m from Milwaukee.” 

The bartender said, ” “And what do you do in this here Milwaukee place?” 

The man said, “I’m a taxidermist.” 

With a sneer, the bartender said, “And what does a ‘tax-ee-der-meest’ do in this here Milwaukee place, boy?” 

He said, “Well, I mount dead animals.”

With a big smile, the bartender slaps the bar and shouts, “It’s OK, boys. He’s one of us”

Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report…

Harry and Martha drank their coffee as they listened to the morning weather report.

 

“There will be three to five inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street.”

 

Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.

 

Two days later, they sat down with their cup of coffee and listened the weather forecast.

 

“There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street.”

 

Harry got up from his coffee to move the car.

 

Three days later, they tuned in to the weather report.

 

“There will be six to eight inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the… .” The power went off.

 

He said to Martha, “What am I going to do now?”

 

Martha said, “Just leave the car in the garage.”

A young woman got lost driving in a New England snowstorm…

A young woman got lost driving in a New England snowstorm. A snowplow passed, so she started following it. After 30 minutes, the plow stopped, and the driver asked what she was doing. “My father always told me that if I got lost in a snowstorm, I should follow a plow,” the woman said. “Oh,” the driver replied. “Well, I’m almost done with this parking lot. If you want, you can follow me over to the next one.”

Is the coming winter going to be cold?

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 

“Is the coming winter going to be cold?” 

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. 

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. 

“Is it going to be a very cold winter?” 

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.” 

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. 

“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” 

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.” 

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. 

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”