Category Archives: Workplace Jokes

All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.

Signs you’re burned out

10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, ‘Hell.’ 

9. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, ‘Get off my back, bitch!’ 

8. Your garbage can IS your ‘in’ box. 

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care. 

6. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.  

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.  

4. You sleep more at work than at home. 

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. 

2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven’t been able to miss a meeting. 

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

A man arrives back home after Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. The little girl says, “Daddy, why do you call your assistant a doll?”

 

Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, “Well, honey, it’s a term of affection. She’s very hard-working, and Daddy appreciates her efficiency.”

 

“Oh,” says the little girl, “I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her across your desk.”

How to annoy your co-workers…

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don’t disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names.  “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie.”

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing.  For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

5) Hi-Lite your shoes.  Tell people you haven’t lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle.  When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer.  Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk.  Label it “IN”.

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom.  When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Innocent young factory worker…

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.  After two months, she gave the boss two-weeks notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hardworking and doing a good job.

He called her into his office, and asked her why she was leaving.

“Oh, it is nothink, I just want to kvit that’s all,” she said sullenly.

“Look, I’ll give you a raise,” he offered.

“No, but thank you,” she said.

“You can’t just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me.”

“Okay if you must know,” said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, “Look! I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom’s bristles, I tell you!”

Tickled by her innocence, the boss also took off his underwear and showed his, explaining, “My dear, it’s nature. Look I have it too….”

“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I can’t wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you’ve grown the handle as well!”

You can’t stop the Voodoo…

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn’t found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the “Voodoo Dick.”

“How does it work?” asked the businessman.

The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, “Voodoo Dick that door.” The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.

“Fantastic,” said the man. “I’ll take it!”

He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: “Voodoo Dick my pussy.”

The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn’t figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn’t leave her alone.

The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, “Voodoo Dick, my ass.”