21 March – 19 April
Love is like a sea full of sea turtles. Or at least, it should be. If you’ve not experienced this then it’s time to either look elsewhere or just look harder! Love comes when you least expect it. 36% of all romances start in the toilet. These two facts are linked and we point them out for your amusement and as something to look forward to.
20 April – 20 May
Fire, brimstone and the devil’s genitals – none of these will get in your way as you chase your way through beelzebub’s lair in order to land yourself the prize catch you aim for. One of the problems with getting your own way with love is that sometimes you have to be a bit evil. Thing is – you’re a natural, that’s all. You will overhear gossip today about your love life whilst you are sat on the toilet. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you hear the really juicy bit.
21 May – 21 June
Gold, Silver, Jewels. They’re all smashing but ruddy expensive. You might want to lower your expectations if the stars are informing correctly. Indeed, you’ll be lucky to get a plastic spoon as a gift than any of the above. This year looks like it’s going to be a great one. Full of vigorous situations, sweaty encounters and dry, sweet smelling stop-overs in arctic bunkers. This horoscope may not apply to all of you.
22 June – 22 July
The start of this week will turn out almost exactly as you imagined. However, later this week some startling things are going to occur that will shake the very foundation of the knowledge that you will, forever, be alone. Because you won’t, you see? Yay for you!
23 July – 22 August
Sex makes you happy. Earning money makes you happy. Animals make you happy. Please don’t let any of these facts fool you into thinking that donkey porn websites are a hiding to nothing.
23 August – 22 September
Alice in wonderland, now there was a lady who wasn’t big on being small. And I’m not an astrologer who is keen on avoiding making daft puns. However, you’re going to meet the king of puns over the next few days and every romantic tingle you’ve ever felt will be made to be embarrassed at how pathetic they were in comparison. Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies. All these will soon be a distant memory this week after a tragic accident after which you will be confined to a comfy chair and be only able to drink your food.
23 September – 23 October
Ten people will confess a manic love for you today. And to think, one in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true.
24 October – 21 November
The colours red and purple will mean a lot to you today as you’re punched in the nose by someone you assumed was a potential mate.
22 November – 21 December
A financial pressure will exert itself this week and cause problems with your love life. The trip abroad you had promised yourself will have to go onto the back-burner as you try to resolve how your lover managed to spend $3,500 shopping on the internet.
22 December – 19 January
The name Jude will have some significance today and may be the very thing you’ve been yearning for. Peterborough will feature high on the agenda tomorrow, although the reason for this may not become immediately apparent. In fact, Peterborough may not appear to feature at all. However, it does. It has been seen.
20 January – 18 February
Destiny awaits you and is waiting with open arms to welcome you into the clubhouse of love. Everything is going perfectly and nothing is going to spoil it. Until later on this month when there’s a terrible thunderstorm. I mean, a devastating thunderstorm. A tragic thunderstorm.
19 February – 20 March
Next year will see the start of something great for you. This year will not be so good. I know this is a fairly general reading for you but then life is always full of ups and downs, gutters and strikes and so on. Basically, the whole thing just cancels itself out. You’ll see when the time comes.