General Funny New Years Resolutions

I will…

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
Stop drinking orange juice after I just brushed my teeth.
Stop licking frozen flag poles.
Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
Watch more movie remakes.
Go back to school to avoid paying my student loans.
Only eat white snow
Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I’m being interviewed.
Spend less than $1825 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes

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