“First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m really busy right now. Give me your home number and I’ll call you back later tonight.”
“Shhh. Wait a minute. I’m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?”
When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: “Yes, but I never allow her (him) to talk to strangers.”
When someone asks how you are: “Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain….”
“You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!”
To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: “Do you get goat’s blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?”
To a phone company solicitor: “That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute?” (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up).
When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, “Is this some kind of a joke? My house burned down last night. We lost everything!”
Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective.