Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting you power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers or pimps.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, your are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Librae die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio are murdered.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarii are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.