More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one … and then another one … and then another one. Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants. McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it? Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, “It’s like ordering a pizza.” Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza…I guess in some ways it is – when it’s delivered, it’s never quite as hot as you hoped it would be. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom! According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy….Roy. New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.