10. I expected something, you know, more Hobbity
9. ‘Middle Earth’ scenes clearly shot on regular Earth
8. It was real long and not a cartoon
7. Accidentally put butter on my Twizzlers
6. My name is Stu — how come there aren’t any Hobbits named Stu?
5. Where the hell is Chewbacca?
4. If they’re going to have magic, why not bring back the rapping kangaroo?
3. Couldn’t focus on movie — kept thinking about how I blew all my money on the Giants
2. I kept trying to talk to Frodo, but he ignored me like he’s ‘all that’
1. I haven’t seen it yet — I’m too busy governing California