St. Mon’s Wort
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent anti boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, You make me want to be a better person … can we get naked now?
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your anniversary or phone number.
A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
And the best:
D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.